"Nothing is constant but the change itself", nothing endures but change, wisemen said. Nothing stands still. The start of this newe year, 2011, Im Looking back at years i've been living in this metropolis city called Jakarta. It's amazing how a decade has gone too soon. It was as if I had just arrived in this city yesterday with my unfit personality and fashion, if it could be called fashion, lol. I was a naive country girl then, just stepping inside the wild wild jungle. It's like a cave man entering a civilization. Everthing I looked at was something to marvel about, the tall skyscrapers towering this metropolis, the 'modern' girls, the buzzing life of its inhabitants, also it's shocking attitudes. These were all new to my poor inexperinced life. Never before in my life i stepped outside my inner circle ranging from my sweet home, schools, and neighbors. Never before in my life, I imagined blending myself in this 'modern' city life. In my eyes, they were things unreal floating around my conscience, but i could not touch. Something inside me insisted that I would never change or adapted into this bizarre world. Something told me I would always be a naive country girl whom my parents loved, whom my neighbors liked, lol. Now, I'm asking myself, am I still that naive scared girl? unchanged? untouched by such things called 'modern'? Am I changed for the better or worse?
I used to see things only in its two colors, black and white. Grey or any other colors never crossed my mind. It's always either good or bad, right or wrong, light or dark. My Dad used to see things in such a way. His faith on this never falters until now. He's a man of principle whom I always look up to. The way he sees things this way often gives him lots of problems. Yet, in the end, he always stands proud and tall on what he beleives in. I wish I had such strong will. Anyway, a decade of living in this metropolis makes me see things differently. It's not always about black and white, sometimes there's a shade of grey in everything. In here, "survival of the fittest" applies but not entirely. I remembered how I cried first time in this jungle. I was not yet used to sarcasm or cynisism, not to mention "getting rid of the weak". Being so akward and odds in anything I did, the pressure seemed put a heavy stone on my chest. I never like being put into any competition, well except for lessons competition in class, lol. I never enjoyed in competition or anything like it, always trying desperately to stay out of the spotlight (lol, as if i was ever been in there). I prefer the calmness, seas without any ripples, just a peaceful state of being. But sometimes, living in this city push me into my limits. Now, there's a harshness, resilience, inside me as if they were actually long had been there. They were asleep in dormant, waiting the opportunity to get unleashed. Now, instead of cowering in my seat, I would take a stand if some thugs asking for money on the metromini... certainly, there's fear inside me, but sometimes my rage is just bigger, lol. Now, I could say 'NO' a little bit, if I was asked to do something i disliked or did not approve. Now, i could stand my ground if I feel like it. Now, I will not cry if someone bullies me with some sarcasm or cynism. Yet, sometimes, my pride and stubborness makes this resilience worse... no longer able to define black from white... everything seems in a shade of gray now. I guess I am changed. For better or worse, I still have to find the answer... hope it is for the beter, lol.
Still I have to be thankful for I have never gone into extreme like what I've seen in some of my of friends or the people around me. I think part of it because I always have a balance among my friends and colleagues. Some bring good influence, some brings bad, many brings both in balance. Friendship, from what I've learnt so far, can be so very tricky. It's like studying an art, you should pay attention into details, trying to get the best picture with the brush of your canvas. Sometimes, disappointing, it will break your heart, making you crying and leaving you shrink in pain. Often, it will enlighten your spirit, providing strenght and courage to go on, making you worth of living. Mutual respect, affection, and understanding are the basics for such a relation to work properly. I think these apply to any relationship. If these were absence, then things would not work out fine. Yet, sometimes I find hard to apply... in theory it looks easy... in practise it is very hard... learning a work of art is always a hard task... needs preseverance and patience...two things which I sometimes lack of, lol.
Anyway, changed though I was, something remain the same inside me. I hate being put into any competition...I hate competing getting into train to get any one empty seat, I hate getting such 'impolite' manners of pushing and shovelings others by force into any public transportation, lol. I am still blind about fashion, I dont wear any brand on my clothes, shoes, or any other of my apparels because I still have the feeling that wasting so much money only for brand is a crime. Afterall, I comes from a humble modest family who work from scratch to get money to eat and finance the education. And yes, if the faux ones feel comfortable and cheaper, why not wear them. For me, brand has nothing to do with personality... it has something to do with lifestyle and prestige... two things that I so far remain immune, lol. Also, my tongue still enjoys traditonal food more than the frezie culinary buzz. I love better eating 'tempe', 'tahu', 'sego tumpang', 'kupat tahu', rather than Pizza, hamburger, or hot dog. Last but not the least, my habit of reading and writing are not worn out or lost. Reading and writing are the moments I savor with delight. These are things I enjoy the most. They are my recreation, the way I breathe for air, lol. And these feelings I have are not faux ones ...
Those who know me from my schools might see me a changed person. Yet, somethings remain the same. I guess inside I will always be that country girl who started her adventure a decade ago... she's only a little bit different...lol
