GOD GIVE ME STRENGHT

It’s almost 3 years my husband and I were married. Yet, we haven’t had any children. We’ve seen an obstrecian/gynecologist for almost a year and a half. I had a laparoscopy to remove the cyst and endometriosis, hormone therapy, PLI (Paternal Leucocyt immunization). Not to mention the fertility pills I took. But still nothing happened. The waiting seems ages and torturing. The time and cost often tired my spirit. Often, I despaired for it’s like I wanted something that I would never had.

Often I wondered why God gave me this test. Why am I not worth of having children? Am I not good enough to be a mother? Or what are my sins that I should be punished this way? Questions that aroused out of despair…questions that filled my head if fear and desperation overcame me. Sometimes, it’s too much too bear that I cried alone. Deep down inside, I knew Alloh has plans for me. Yet sometimes, emotions and pain defeated this rational fact.

I am lucky my husband had shown me a great understanding and patient…something that I don’t understand…that’s why I love him more. There are times when we argue, but we could work it out. I once talked about having an adoption child if within three years we cannot have one. I mean it’s a lonely home without children and God knows how long we can endure this loneliness. I’m glad that he said OK but I still have fear inside. Am I capable of loving the child as my own? Am I ready for this?

I know when despair overcomes me I should remember this verse:

"..and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know."(2:216)

God Give Me Strength

In the solitude of the night

I pour all my heart to YOU

I surrender myself within YOU

I cry upon YOU

Strengthen my heart

Fortify my weak soul

With Your tender love

Please let not despair engulf me

Let not the flame of desperation consumed me

Let not my worldly needs perished me

In the solitude of the night

I prayed with all heart

I emptied my mind of all my wants

I knelt down solemnly

To seek refuge in YOU

To gain peace at heart

Alloh show me the way

Lead me to the light

Give me strength and strong faith

To see the plan You have for me

So I will never lost