Oneday day a friend said to me, "you know, X is afraid of you because you are too quiet and stubborn." He grinned guiltily and added, "So you know and take precaution." I looked at him dumbfounded but managed to extend a smile of gratitude.
Well, that really took me by surprise. I know that I am a total introvert. I am a loner and keep things to myself. My husband and my good friends said so. When I feel like recharging my depleted energy, they just know what I need. They leave me in my own solitary with a novel at my hand and a cup of tea at my bedside.
So to speak, I never thought my solitude and quietness gave someone uncomfortable feeling. Most of the time, people just leave me alone in peace. I was invisible and posed no threat to anybody's in particular? I do my working on assignments but do not think of career advancement. It is as simple as that.
But, hey, I used to work in smaller working unit so it was not too crowded. It was just a place I felt like home, small, less noisy and I knew each and everyone of them. They knew me and just accepted my presence.
In the end, large crowds with assertiveness and outspokenness is not really my nature. It does not mean that I don't like people. I occasionally enjoy large parties but want to sit and watch the action from the sidelines. I might be picky, choosing quality over quantity in relationships, preferring smaller circle of close friends rather than a large network of acquaintances.
I might have this feeling that it’s not people in and of themselves that pose the most daunting challenge; it’s fighting for air in a muddled conversation exerting ourselves to create the necessary I need. I’d rather just accede the territory and move on to quieter frontiers. It gives me peace.
Thus, I enjoy to observe, listen and write down what I learn. I enjoy such role. It's like living a quiet world in noisy world.I do feel like talking when I have nothing important to say or when everybody else are already say many things enough. I do not need attention for speaking up.
I thought something was wrong with me. Did I suffer a mental illness for not able to being more sociable and well-liked? I was constantly encouraged to speak up, to come out my shell and let the world know my voice.
To some extend, I have tried so hard to imitate the extroverts. But it killed me to be someone I was not. It was not an adventure. It was walking toward self-destruction. My adventure does not embark on such path of outspokenness, gregariousness and the alpha-role thing.
Neither my adventure involved swords, dragons or superpower. It does not require me to hike the Rinjani trail or steer a boat solo across the world. All I had to do was sip my cup of tea and tap away at my keyboard.
And now, I know there was nothing wrong with my introversion. It's a power I should tap the energy from to gain strength. I do not need to be someone whom I am not to be accepted and be happy
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