Wednesday, July 30, 2008

MY WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

source : http://whywedding.com/main/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/img_0516.jpg

Time elapsed so fast... it's been our third year in marriage this day...it's my wedding anniversary. There'll be no special caddle light dinner and sort of, lol. We're just so grateful that so far our ship still strongly sails into the ocean. We keep maintaining it and improving it so that it gets better and better :-)

And personally I am thankful to The Lord, Allah Swt, for the blessing of meeting with my husband...for choosing the perfect mate for me... he's perfect in my eyes...and his flaws are added to his perfection...

I pray we could stay this way until we grew old...off course with our children and grandchildren ...amen

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD : AS GOOD AS UNCLE'S TOM CABIN

http://www.infoplease.com/atlas/state/alabama.html

Finally, I finished To Kill A Mocking Bird. Now, I understand why this novel becomes best seller of all time up to now according to Guinness Book of Record. Further it had great impact of the American society and won a Pulitzer Prize It was instantly successful and has become a classic of modern American fiction. This amazing novel reminds me about Harriet’s Uncle’s Tom cabin who also had tremendous impact on the society. It was speculated that American Civil War was triggered by this novel.

The novel is loosely based on the author's observations of her family and neighbors, as well as on an event that occurred near her hometown in 1936, when she was 10 years old. A mocking bird is actually a symbol of the innocence:

“Mockingbirds just make music…That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.” (p8)

“I remember when my daddy gave me that gun. He told me that I should never point it at anything in the house. And that he'd rather I'd shoot at tin cans in the backyard, but he said that sooner or later he supposed the temptation to go after birds would be too much, and that I could shoot all the blue jays I wanted, if I could hit 'em, but to remember it was a sin to kill a mockingbird...Well, I reckon because mockingbirds don't do anything but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat people's gardens, don't nest in the corncribs, they don't do one thing but just sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird”. (p100)

So, it is about the killing of the innocent. Yet, it’s not as simple as that. There’s so much complicated affairs related to this matter. The story is narrated by a six years old Scout Finch who expressed her feelings of her surrounding through her eyes.

This novel is the story of the early childhood of Jean Louise "Scout" Finch with her ubiquitous Jim and Dill, chronicling the humorous trials and tribulations of growing up in Maycomb, Alabama, from 1933 to 1935. She was about in her 6-9 years old. She expressed her dangerous adventure with her elder brother, Jeremy Finch, and her neighbor, Dill. Maycomb's was Southern small town in which nobody locked their doors at night and the local telephone operator could instantly identify callers solely by their voices. It was a secure environment for the children. Yet, the town was harshly divided by social class and prejudice. It was in threat by racial prejudice that was commonly found in Southern society although slavery had been legally abolished in 1865. Little Scout, Jem and Dill had not yet realized this rooted evil that breathed around them. Partly, because Atticus had provided code of honor and conduct that always led them right…codes that were sometimes the opposite from the norms and codes of the Maycomb people.

At first, I felt a little bit bored spends reading its beginning. It revealed Scout’s days lamenting that she must attend school and her afternoons engaged in various schemes to provoke a mysterious neighbor, Boo Radley, to emerge from his house. As Scout, Jem, and Dill become increasingly obsessed with luring Boo outside, they put themselves at greater risk, at one point incurring Boo's brother's gunfire. Boo and his family lived in seclusion and so much negative rumors about them. They thought Boo was a kind of hideous monster who dwelled in that house. They feared him. They created a play to described Boo’s life. When Atticus found out, he was angry and forbad them to make fun of their neighbor simply because they chose to live in a recluse. Scout also described the stereotype of each family in her neighborhood, the Ewll, the Cunningham, etc.

Scout and Jem's misadventures suggest an idyllic childhood, one tempered only by the rules of their beloved servant, Calpurnia; the standards imposed on them by their prudish Aunt Alexandra; and the particularities of their neighbors, Miss Maudie Atkinson and Mrs. Dubose. Scout at the beginning felt a little bit annoyed with Cal who taught her to read…she considered her as her constant irritation. Yet, it had never occurred to them what it was like to live as a black in their society. Later on, she found out and had great respect for Cal.

Atticus finch was their moral patron. He’s a man of strong principle and moral, honest, and respectable. He let them learn and know the truth by themselves…often discussing matters with Scout and Jem…he created a democratic atmosphere in his household. Yet, he kept enacting the principles for the children to respect others who had different views with them. He forbad them to fight and let not them got strayed by false prejudice. He let them grow and learn…invited them to discuss matters that they disagreed upon…respected his children’s opinions. What he said (his words) never contradicted his action and conducts. His words were the mirror of his deeds and vice versa. He was a man of integrity.

Atticus was assigned a case defending a local black man, Tom Robinson, who had been unjustly accused of rape by Mayella Ewell, a poor white woman from a family of ill-repute, Scout explored her beliefs, her father's moral obligations, and the dynamics of her community. (the case was similar with the Scotsboro Case in the real life of the American segregated society in 1930s). Atticus was willing to take this case despite the strong opposition from his neighbors and colleagues. He was a fair and just man who could not stand to see injustices run past across his face. He felt it was his duty to defend Tom – even if he knew he could not win (no case of black man against white man won in the deeply segregated society before). He was willing to take the risk…his social standing, his comfortable life, his professional career, and his safety and his children. Atticus told his children

"As you grow older, you'll see white men cheat black men every day of your life, but let me tell you something and don't you forget it—whenever a white man does that to a black man, no matter who he is, how rich he is, or how fine a family he comes from, that white man is trash."

Scout and Jem had not yet realized this danger. Their innocence protected them to have prejudices. Gradually, they knew what it was all about. They knew that the people thought it was not right for their father to defend a black man. They knew that their society lived in dualism. They lived in segregated society where the blacks were inferior from the white. They learnt this as the case grew. A six year Scout saved Atticus from a mob lynch in front of Tom’s prison. The mob was moved by her innocence and let the family and Tom go.

“They’ve done it before and they did it tonight and they’ll do it again and when they do it –seems that only the children weep,”

Eventually, having heard all the evidence in the trial, Atticus could collect evidence of Tom Robin’s innocence. Mayella and her father showed bruises on her that could only inflicted by a left handed person. Tom was a right handed, and his left arm was not functioning since he was twelve. He knew Mayella Ewell and his father had lied. Although, he pitied her for her suffering (it was revealed from her testimony and Tom that she suffered hardship as well as sexual harassment from his father), he could let her send an innocent man into death.

“The witnesses for the State, with the exception of the Sheriff of Maycomb County, have presented themselves to you gentlemen, to this court, in the cynical confidence that their testimony would not be doubted. Confident that you gentlemen would go along with them on the assumption, the evil assumption, that all Negros lie, that all Negroes are basically immoral beings, all Negro men are not to be trusted around our women. An assumption that one associates with minds of their caliber, and which is in itself, gentlemen, a lie, which I do not need to point out to you. And so, a quiet, humble, respectable Negro, who has had the unmitigated temerity to feel sorry for a white woman, has had to put his word against two white peoples. The defendant is NOT GUILTY, but somebody in this courtroom is.”

“She knew full well the enormity of her offense, but because her desires were stronger than the code she was breaking, she persisted in breaking it.... She was white, and she tempted a Negro.... No code mattered to her before she broke it, but it came crashing down on her afterwards.”[p. 216]

Despite the facts that proved Tom was innocent, the Jury found him guilty because they could not let a black man win. They could not let a black man felt pity on a white woman. It was a great sin for their society. Anybody present at court could see the man was innocence…including Scout, Jem and Dill who sneaked in the court without Atticus’s permission. Even, Dill cried and felt so uneasy in hearing the verdict because he could not understand why respectable juries did the wrong thing. His innocence was children innocence who could always see the truth no matter what. The court changed the children life forever.

Jem was devastated; His innocence was vanished prematurely after this court. He had to learn the bitterness of injustice that presented in his society. It showed the new truths. Jem strated to be able to distinguish between his protected life and the prejudiced one that occurred inside the adult world of his community. The trial opened Jem s eyes to the evil and discrimination that he never noticed before. He had seen evil… yet he was proud of his father… a man who stood up alone. Atticus later explained that he might lose the case but it was a baby step for something greater. He had made the jury to hesitated and they took hours of debate before the verdict was read. It was just the beginning … a small step that would lead to greater things. Yet, Atticus forbad Jem to hate the Ewell.

"Jem, see if you can stand in Bob Ewell's shoes a minute. I destroyed his last shred of credibility at that trial, if he had any to begin with. The man had to have some kind of comeback, his kind always does. So if spitting in my face and threatening me saved Mayella Ewell one extra beating, that's something I'll gladly take. He had to take it out on somebody and I'd rather it be me than that houseful of children out there."

Bob Ewell still held a grudge against Atticus and judge Taylor who defended Tom’s case. He swore he would get his revenge. But no one would imagine he would unleash his anger to two young innocent children. With a knife, he madly attacked Jem and Scout. A final climax that made me cry. An incident that showed that Boo Radley was not as bad as they thought. He was a good man who was falsely accused.

After these wide opening events, Scout, through her 9 years old eyes, learnt about hatred of the two races. And no one could feel and see what it would feel until one experienced it himself. She could see that Tom and Boo Radley was a mockingbird.

"You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…Until you climb in his skin and walk around in it."

Monday, July 21, 2008

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

This classic novel has been in my bag for almost two months by now...already read half of it...and still trying to finish it. Found it a little bit bored at the beginning...then there came the element of surprises here and then...Atticus Finch, a moral hero for his prejudiced society...for his two little children, Scout and Jeremy Finch...an honor and respectable father, man, and lawyer who stood up against racism...wanna finish it soon :-)

This book reminds me of my final paper for my college graduation completion. I was writing a review or a critic about racism in Langston Hughes's THE BEST OF SIMPLE. A colletion of humorous short stories of Simple life as a black American in 1960s.I mainly highlighted about black people racial pride that helped them to survive and to fight back. It's a wonderful book to read ...I was invited to feel the bitterness of living in a deeply rooted segregated society by race from its black character point of view.

While in To Kill A Mockingbird, racism was seen through the eye of its white character...

I'll write my review about it upon finish it...the two books are recommended to read :-)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

GRIEF

Hopeless grief is ravaging the soul

Killing the dim heart slowly

In despair and agony

Too hard to bear nor endure

Spirit and flesh will slowly die

Like a thousand winters with dead sun


Dark falls in time of despair

as a solar eclipse engulfing the earth

Life in the absence of light

So dark with eerie terror

Yet, after the dark always comes the light

A new hope of a new start

A radiant rainbow after raging torrent

So beautiful aglow in colors

an oasis in dry desert

Find the elixir to cast away despair

To seal grief into a far far away land

It is in the smile of the beloved

It is in the embrace of a friend

It is in the helping hands supporting our existence

It is in every divine beauty

It is in His love

It is in His mercy

BATMAN: THE DARK NIGHT

Another superb film to watch. It was as great as its first episode BATMAN Begins. May be I would say I like this one a bit better by the appearance of The Joker and Two Face. Some characters stayed on throughout this sequel, Lucius, Alfred, Gordon and Rachel including Bruce. All but Rachel played by the same actors as in its first. Plus the bad guy, The Joker who was genuinely brought to life by the late Heath Ledger and Harvey Dent played wit fully by Aoran Ekhart. These three characters were the main appeal of this film. The acting of Ledger was intense as if he could blend himself into the Joker’s character.

Batman/Bruce, a gothic knight who always played by the rule. He saved life. He did not kill. He had a code of honor. He was loved as well as hated. He protected and served the public because he believed in their goodness. He believed that these people had hope for their honor and morality. However, the public's affection was often temporary and transient. They often betrayed him as quickly as they adored him. When their safety and comfort were put at risks, they chose to avoid them and sacrificed the hero. They had no gut to face the risks…e.g when The Joker demanded Batman to be given in, the public betrayed him…hiding behind their cowardice. Only one man stood up for him (the white knight).

The Joker, a psychopath villain who played by no rule. He killed and liked to play games. He proclaimed himself as 'agent of chaos'.He had no urge but to unleash the darkest side of each person in Gotham, to reveal the selfishness and instinct towards self-preservation that was most basic of instincts. The Joker played his game—. Everybody had darkest side. E.g When he made a threat of exploding a hospital if Wayne’s former accountant was not killed, or he smartly planted explosives in two different ships and told passengers of each ship to push the detonate button of one another to gain safety. “To them, you’re just a freak like me” he told Batman. “People are only as good as the world allows them to be.” There were no heroes for the public. He was freedom through chaos. Batman needed him as much as he needed him. If Batman was the order, he was the chaos…like two sides of a coin…two but one.

Harvey Dent, a former white knight of Gotham City. A Gotham District Attorney who had strong principle to fight the corrupt policemen and criminals. He was the only one who stood up against Batman. Yet, he lost everything most important for him. He was betrayed and sacrificed. He lost the woman he loved and half of his face. He now had two face, the good and the bad. The only morality in an amoral world is chance," Dent said at the end when he surrendered to his darker side. The Joker had completed his mission to transform him. Dent had no power to endure all the loss and suffering of a hero. He became a fallen angel.

These three characters walked the thin line between good and evil. To win something, you had to be ready to lose something. At the end, Batman’s faith in the people (that they had goodness within) were right, the two ships were not exploded. There were still many people who had heart and conscience worth fighting for.

He would be their dark night… in times when fear and cowardice took over… their silent guardian…to carry the burden alone.

In today's world, there are many people like Harvey Dent...a good guy who turned out bad after put into ordeals and trials that he could not endure. The situation and the environment made him transform into something he used to despise. Also, many people like The Joker ...whose only goal was to create chaos and disorder...inflicting sufferings on others in order to satisfy their sick mentality or their insanity.

And so few are willing to be the savior as a savior often ends up like Harvey Dent.

REGAIN MY STRENGHT

Sunday, 20th July 2008

After a great storm, I was happy I could overcome the depressed feelings. Feeling better...Dissappointment was still there ...which I thought was very natural as human. Yet, I saw some lights ahead of me...it'll be hard but somehow I knew I would get through this :-)

I haven't wrote much lately. I guess, this is the time to spend my time in more productive ways...

And my husband took me to see a movie this day. It's one of my favourite... he said, i should be cheerful again..."life is too precious to be wasted grieving", he said.

IT FAILED

July 19th, 2008

My monthly cycle visited me as usual... a sign that my last effort failed. I was so very upset and cried. It's something beyond my control. No matter how hard I tried to calm down or the tell that everything would be OK, I failed. It's like losing thing you treasured the most...waiting for so very special guest, but that person did not show up. As if i was left alone in the dark. So, I let myself having a moment of grief... a moment to cry... a moment to let go... until I was able to start all over again... to regain strenght and faith.

And he's there for me... telling me not to be that upset or that despair...holding my hands and tried so hard to comfort me in any ways he could. I was so very lucky to have him :-). God, he's the best gift I've ever had and so very grateful that He delivered him to me. So I tried to see the brighter sights and faith. Maybe it's not the right time yet and He has greater plan.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

THE LAST SECRET OF THE TEMPLE

Jerusalem, 70 BC. During roman invasion on the Holy Temple, the highest Rabbi revealed a top classified secret to a young boy. He was entrusted the biggest secret a great secret, known only to a few that should be guarded with his life along with his descendants.

Southern Germany, 1944. Six German prison camp inmates, 4 jews, 1 communist and 1 gay dragged a Nazi-purloined holy relic down an abandoned coal shaft. A secret to be buried in the cave for protection. A secret that was paid with their death.

Egypt, present day. Yusef Ezz el-Din Khalifa of the Luxor police investigated the murder of an old man, Piet Jansen, whose body has been found at an archeological site in the Valley of the Kings on the west bank of the nile. The murder brought memory of his past investigation on the murder of a Jewish old woman, Hannah Schlegel 13 years ago. His conscience always convinced him that they got a wrong man for the murder. The innocent was sentenced to death, leaving his wife and small children alone. A past guilt that haunted him forever. The more he investigated the case, the more he was convinced that Piet Jansen had strong connection with the murder of Hannah. Now, he had second chance to redeem his past mistake. Despite opposition from his superiors and his own misgivings about working with the Israelis, Khalifa re-opened the case and teamed up with hard-nosed Jerusalem detective Arieh Ben Roi.

Meanwhile, in Jerusalem, Palestinian journalist Layla al-Madani and Israeli police detective Arieh Ben-Roi have their own sad histories and complicated lives to deal with. Layla witnessed his father brutally attacked by an angry Palestinians mob…he died in front of her merely for following the call of his profession as a doctor…treating a wounded Israeli. This event had tremendously changed her course of life forever. Arieh Ben-Roi saw her bride, Galia, died in suicide bombing at their wedding day. She was an activist who vigorously promoted peace between Israel and Palestina. An attack that was claimed many lives and Al-Mulatham was responsible for it. From that moment on, Arieh investigated secretly the al-Mulatham to get his revenge. Within his own ways, he scrutinized any incidents connected with al-mulatham, including its news coverage by Layla.

At the same time, Har Zion, an extreme Israeli nationalist Baruch Har-Zion, Israeli military commando fighter always provoked war against the Palestinian. He seized every opportunity to destroy the people. He had story of his own and he dogged Layla movement with close attention.

Layla received an anonymous letter at her Jerusalem home. It requested her help in contacting “Al-Mulassam” (“The Veiled One”), a Palestinian extremist leader she had recently interviewed; in return it offered her the scoop of a lifetime.


Against a backdrop of escalating violence between Israelis and Palestinians, she followed up the cryptic letter while Khalifa and Arieh slowly uncovered the unpleasant truth about Piet Jansen. Their investigations intertwined as they all got further in to the web of duplicity and intrigue that had at its center an ancient artifact of such potent symbolism that it could plunge the Middle East into an all-out war.

Reading this book reminded me the moment I read Da Vinci Code. It’s so interesting to find many mysteries and suspenses in the two books. There’s always a surprising element that is so hard to predict. The answer will be found by the end of the chapter…that’s what makes me read the whole book. At first, full concentration is required because at its beginning the stories seem have no relation and each character acts within their own premise and stand alone. As the chapter moves on, the web connection is gradually built smartly. I could never guess the final ending…and frankly speaking it shocks me to know the end. I should have known that I should be prepared for “expect the unexpected”. What I thought to be a hero turned out the opposite. It’s a good book to read!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

ANOTHER STRUGGLE

Thursday, 3rd July 2008

It was a big day for my husband and I. We were scheduled to have intra-uterine insemination (IUI)on this day afternoon. Our hope was once again flickered after almost two years efforts to conceive a child.

I had several tests already before this step was taken. My cysts had been removed wit laparoscopy procedure at the beginning of year 2007. Along with that, my appendix was also cut off during the process because it swelled and was not in a good condition (perhaps that;s why I got several attacks of sudden stomach ache, lol. My doctor also found out that my antisperm antibody was too high so that it needed to be lowered. So, we were sent to an andrology consultant to find the best treatment. It was decided I had to undergo a treatment called paternal leukocyte immunization (PLI) to normalize my ASA. I had to be given PLI for six times before my ASA reached its normal level. Along with that I was given some medications to lower my prolactin. All treatment completed at July 2007. My doctor said everthing was normal by then and we could start our baby program.

Months elapsed, and still no signs of pregnancy. My last several USG showed that my ovaries were normal and the ‘eggs’ were also good. Once, through internal USG (I hated when I had to experience this L), their size were ready for ovulation. The doctor always gave me ovulation-stimulating medications (lanturol, natural, overtil). Yet, the result was not yet satisfying. My husband and I had reached the stage of total submission to the Divine. We prayed and kept on trying. We had even decided to consider an adoption option.

On my last visit on 27th June 2008 (the 8th after my period), the doctor said we had to try an intra-uterine insemination (IUI), also known as artificial insemination to increase our chance of having babies. We decided to give it a try. He then prescribed some medication prior to the processand conducted an internal USG (thanks God, it was performed by a female doctor)… the result showed that there was one egg folikel size 1.6 and other small ones with various sizes. The insemination was then scheduled on 3rd July 2008. 0I was given parlodel to lower my prolactin and lanturol. No further explanations were provided. That was what I always upset about…if we didn’t ask questions, no clear explanations provided…50 patients within 3 hoursso it was always a long queue and a short session, L. It tested my patience, and often I run out of it…snapped ad mumbledlol. Luckily, we had internet so we could gain as much information as needed.

Then the big day arrived. Thursday morning, I was still calm and did my house works as usual. I took two days leave from my office. We left home at 11 am. We stopped by the local bank to attend some affairs first….arriving at hospital at 1 pm. We were told to arrive at that hour. Sadly, we had to wait for one and half an hour because the appointed staffs at the laboratory had not come… I was wondering why on earth they were negligent like that. Later we found out that the staffs were not informed that there would a patient for insemination… I already lost my mood at that time…I was so hungry (we hadn’t have our lunch) and frustrated. I began to panic and my heart ran fast. I snapped at my husband and angry without cause. I was about to decide to cancel it but my husband patiently persuaded me to calm down. So, I took my dhuzur pray and tried to relax. The laboratory staffs finally came at 2.30 pm and my husband went with them to do the process first. The process of preparing and selecting a highly concentrated amount of active motile sperms. We had to wait another three hours. In the meantime, we had our lunch at nearby foodstall… and I ate some fresh mango, banana, and melon. I wondered why the doctor did not run any tests on me…I mean blood pressure, temperature, USG to see the eggs follicle. It seemed it was all decided that I was in fertile period because it’s my 14th cycle…the average of ovulation came at the cycle. Again, my mouth was locked as restless and mind absence less sometimes blocked me for any reasonable arguments.

The process was quick and a little bit inconvenient. A quite friendly nurse guided me the labor room. There three beds in a row. She asked me to lay down in one of them and tried to relax. She saw my fear and panic attack…The room reminded me of the surgical room I was once in …so she called my husband to comfort me while waiting the doctor to arrive. It was much much more inconvenient than having an internal USG. It was performed at 5 pm. There were three nurses standing by, my husband and my doctor. I prayed at heart while the doctor did his job. My husband was asked to inject the liquid himself…the doctor guided him with dua In the name of Allah, the most beneficent, the most merciful.

Afterwards, I was ordered to stay at the bed for two hours before going home. My doctor prescribed me another medication, Bucospan 10 mg. I was relieved it was all over. I prayed it would work as I could not imagine myself enduring such process again

At 7 pm, we went home. I felt a little awkward in my stomach and so tired. We were hopeful of the result, also we were in total submission, tawakal, whatever the result … And I was all tied up at my bed for these last four days, lol.